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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30132486">makes you wanna run and hide but it made us turn right back around</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GilbertsMangoes/pseuds/GilbertsMangoes'>GilbertsMangoes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>when you're close I feel like coming undone [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gilmore Girls</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Breaking Up &amp; Making Up, Episode: s03e22 Those Are Strings Pinocchio, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Honesty, I Wish You Would, Literati, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Soulmates, They deserved better, honestly i'm just mad at what asp did to my babies, jess mariano deserved better</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:40:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,594</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30132486</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GilbertsMangoes/pseuds/GilbertsMangoes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even at this age, he knew she’d be the only one, and goddamn, he’d sooner live a miserable life than let her go. </p><p>He didn’t care about getting away anymore, not when it felt like this to leave her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lorelai Gilmore &amp; Jess Mariano, Lorelai Gilmore &amp; Rory Gilmore, Rory Gilmore/Jess Mariano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>when you're close I feel like coming undone [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2217678</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>makes you wanna run and hide but it made us turn right back around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as Jess got on that bus and watched Rory look back at him with those heartbreakingly blue eyes, as soon as she left his side and took a piece of him with it, he knew something was fundamentally wrong. Everything seemed so gray to him before her, and she had left an indelible impression on his lonely wandering soul in a way that made his wandering soul want to stay just for her. </p><p>But how could he? He could handle disappointing everyone else; he was used to it. Luke didn’t want him there in the first place; he was just obligated because Jess was Liz’s kid. But Rory? His cheerleader, the person who had believed in him but still liked him even when he didn’t try? Rory, the person he actually tried to be better for? The person he cared for, dare he say loved the most in the world? He would’ve rather died than let her down. </p><p>He wondered when she would realize. Had she seen that old duffel bag and known right then? Would Lorelai find out from Luke(who couldn’t get his head out of his ass and ask her out) and tell her right away or would she wait until after finals? Would Rory try and contact him and eventually give up on this hopeless case? Or would he call her first just to hear her voice for that delicious, addicting pain that came with it? Fuck, he never considered himself a masochist, but here he was. </p><p>Of course, since he was pathetic, it would end up being the latter. Every single time he wanted to say something, his breath would get caught in his throat as he thought of her, her dark brows furrowed with irritation, her voice demanding as she commanded him to speak, her perfect pink lips that he had been blessed with for 7 months curved downwards, her delicate hands that had once gently caressed him gripping the phone. </p><p>Rory could just hear his shallow, erratic, pained breathing on the other side as her heart twinged without her permission for the boy she loved more than any guy, more than any silly childhood crush or immature relationship with Dean. She didn’t want to love him like she did. She didn’t want to pine, to be that girl who collapsed in her bed for days after her relationship ended.</p><p>She wanted to think that her mom was right, to spite Jess for everything, but she couldn’t. No matter how much she tried she couldn’t because even for the last quarter of their relationship when everything had deteriorated slowly, everything before that was really, really, really good. </p><p>For the year and a half they’d known each other, just two months had actually been filled with strife, and it hadn’t helped how she was still unconsciously comparing him to Dean because of the sudden change. She couldn’t even completely break free of Dean, and she knew it hurt him. She hadn’t been fully over Dean when they’d started their beautiful, unforgettable little thing, but she was long over it now.</p><p>Jess ended being a lot more than pathetic. Even at this age, he knew she’d be the only one, and goddamn, he’d sooner live a miserable life than let her go. So after hardly a week, he had hopped aboard buses until he was back in Stars Hollow again. He stayed in a dingy motel in Woodbury just to avoid her, though that was against everything his heart was crying out for him to do.</p><p>He didn’t care about getting away anymore, not when it felt like this to leave her. He’d get a place near New Haven, continue the journaling and writing he’d been doing recently, try to be as close to her as he could and work on his flighty tendencies. He knew Luke’s would be an easy place for income, but he couldn’t deal with Stars Hollow just yet, so he’d find a new stable job even if it was just Walmart again. He’d do anything at this point just for another chance.</p><p>Honestly, he was glad he’d realized it now instead of realizing it a few months later when it was too late. God knows how much she would hate him if he came back all of a sudden when she was halfway through freshman year. </p><p>On her graduation day, she spoke to him, a rush of words about everything she’d been thinking and just… let go. She wanted to let go. She said she was going to let go. Why couldn’t she let go? </p><p>After she’d promptly hung up on him thinking he was thousands of miles away, he called another number desperately. </p><p>“This is Vicky speaking. Are you calling about last night?” a put on high and breathy voice by the mother of the woman he loved. She threw in a girlish giggle for emphasis, but her humor had no emphasis on him. He was silent, working up the courage to speak. “That bit usually works.”</p><p>“Hey, Lorelai,” he finally said through clenched teeth and a set jaw. He heard a sharp intake of breath on the other side.</p><p>“Jess,” she spat out coldly, a sharp contrast from her earlier good mood and jest. “God, what are you doing contacting me? Me, of all people? Don’t you know how furious I am at you? On Rory’s graduation day no less!”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, and-”</p><p>“No, I’m not finished! You broke her heart, Jess! You broke my baby girl’s heart! Do you know how painful it is to be able to hear the person you love the most cry into a pillow like her heart’s going to break for hours and not be able to do anything? You’re right about one thing. You are in no place to ask her or me for anything, not after what you did.” Her breathing was heavy and quick after that, and he could picture the Gilmore glare fixed on him from here and unconsciously shivered.</p><p>“I know that,” he acknowledged quietly, running a hand over his face. “I was an idiot, and I thought I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t. I thought I wanted to be alone, but I don’t. And I’m selfish for thinking it, but Rory’s really the only one that has ever been able to get that get me on a fundamental level, and I miss her because I was a bigger idiot than Forester.” </p><p>“Damn straight you were, and you’re in no place to diss a boyfriend that was with her a hell of a lot more than you were, Jess. And you’re not getting in her world again that easily. I’m not going to put up with your moods anymore, and neither is Rory. You had your chance, and you lost it.”</p><p>“Please, just give me ten minutes with her. God, I know I screwed up, alright? Is that what you want to hear? That I’m a screw up? Because I’m pretty sure everyone and their grandmother knows that! I’ve said it enough times too. Just… what do I have to do, Lorelai?” he pleaded, an unexpected and unfamiliar burning in his eyes when faced with the prospect of losing Rory.</p><p>“Don’t you understand, Jess? It’s over! You can’t do anything! You’ve lost her, and it’s because of you! You couldn’t talk to her, you couldn’t keep yourself from running away, you couldn’t graduate! This is all on you, and there’s not one good reason why I should help you because you’re just going to cause her more pain! You couldn’t give me one good reason besides wanting some kind of side chick to pine for you while you do your James Dean act! Rory is a girl who wants commitment, Jess, a time, and a place, and a plan!”</p><p>“Dammit, Lorelai, I love her, alright?!” he snapped angrily, the words coming out in a rush of adrenaline. “And I know you’re never going to believe me because I’m a fuck-up who can’t do anything right, but I do! I know I’m probably the worst for Rory, and I know she deserves better, but she was the first person to think that maybe I deserved something more. Unlike any of the people in this crackpot town, she believed in me for once. Not who I could be if I just applied myself, not the hoodlum persona you all love to think I am, and not just to stick it to you or her frankly disastrous relationship with Lurch. For once, someone beautiful and smart and basically my other half liked me for who I was. I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving like that, but I’ve thought it over. I’m going to try to be better for her.”</p><p>His voice cracked, and Lorelai almost felt bad. He truly was the male personification of her at eighteen. They came from two different world, yet had the same struggle: no one saw them for who they were. It didn’t blind her from being vengeful and angry over how he’d left. She’d opened her mouth for a biting retort, but he had continued, much to her surprise. He was speaking more in five minutes than she’d seen him speak in a year!</p><p>“You know what? I’m not going to sit here and pretend I was the only one at fault. You knew her perfectly, but the rest of the town? They couldn’t imagine Rory the angel liking me. Sometimes I swear she felt ashamed to be with me. They personified her as someone perfect, which I know is far from right also even though she deserves someone perfect. The only way to describe it is… we saw each other and liked each other for everything before I screwed it up, Lorelai. She was perfect to me. We complimented each other, flaws and all. I know you like to be in control of everything concerning her, but this isn’t something you can monopolize. I wouldn’t have let her string me along for a year before Dean forced her hand if I didn’t love her. And I’m asking you because I know you mean the world to her, and she means the world to me, to please let me talk to her when you get home.” </p><p>Lorelai was stunned. Jess Mariano, heart of steel and master of monosyllable, had admitted to loving someone. He had admitted to loving her daughter, an emotion she hadn’t thought he was even remotely capable of. He spoke for minutes about the reasons. He had really thought this out. </p><p>And she must’ve been crazy, but she might’ve actually believed him just a teensy bit. It was the most he’d ever heard him speak about one subject(at least around her), and it was the first time she’d heard him admit his own faults in front of her. </p><p>And God, she hated how much he reminded her of herself at that age, independent and rebellious and desperately in love while not feeling good enough: him because of his less than healthy background and her because of the now eighteen year old blessing she had. </p><p>“You get ten minutes,” she finally growled out. “She doesn’t know you’re back. We’ll be home in an hour, and if she still thinks you’re a flighty loser like I do, you’re gone back to whatever planet you flew in from.”</p><p>“Thank you,” he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut in disbelief. “I mean it. Thanks, Lorelai.”</p><p>“Don’t screw it up, kid,” was all she said before ending the call with a violent click of a button.</p><p>____________________________</p><p>Rory took the Prius home, her very first ride in her very own car, and her mom followed closely behind. She said she’d meet Rory at the little celebration, but that Rory should have a chance to freshen up and change first. Rory had no idea of the real reason.</p><p>She pulled up at the house with a little sad frown. As she pulled away from Chilton for the last time, her heart wrung as she realized her days at the school were over, and she’d actually miss it, even the stressful assignments and spats with Paris. She wiped away a little tear on the corner of her eye before taking a deep breath.</p><p>Her melancholy face turned into a confused frown: the front porch lights were on. She stepped out of the car.</p><p>“Hello?” she called, and she was met with silence. A rush of fear ran through her, and she stepped back warily, a hand on her car door in case she needed to make a getaway. She heard footsteps and, and her breath quickened. This was Stars Hollow, people left their doors unlocked at night, but you could never be too sure as a woman.</p><p>“Rory,” a familiar and rough yet strained voice greeted, stepping out of the shadows. That was Jess, never one for the spotlight. The voice sent a pang of excruciating pain through her. </p><p>“Jess,” she whispered softly, looking down and blinking away tears. “You’re back.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I should’ve never left,” he apologized, stepping closer to her. She didn’t look up. She was afraid that if she did, he’d disappear like an apparition, float into the air like he was never there. She could feel his gaze on her as he talked. She knew that gaze, and it made her heart take off in her chest every time. He was never one to express care through words, but his body language and his actions revealed all. This time, however, he was done not telling her things. </p><p>“I got as far as Venice, California convincing myself that you were better off without me, and you probably are, but I’m fucking selfish, and you’re the only one I’m ever going to care about this much. I couldn’t handle disappointing you after you always believed in me. You’re the only one I’ve ever cared about… succeeding for. I wasn’t planning on failing, and it was a punch in the gut when I couldn’t do what I promised, and I couldn’t handle letting you, my cheerleader, down. So I left, and it was the biggest mistake because the second I saw you leave the bus, a piece of me left with you, Rory.” </p><p>She took a shaky breath in and quavered, “I expected almost nothing of you, Jess. You didn’t let me down by not graduating. You let me down because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”</p><p>“No, Rory, you expected everything from where I’m sitting, but that was fine because you deserved it all, and I really tried to do it, I swear. It was easy for someone like Dean because he grew up seeing it everywhere. I don’t know how commitment is supposed to go, but I wanted to learn for you. I still want to learn for you. I know the blame is all on me for this one, but please, I… give me another go, Rory. I’m going to get my shit together. I’ll get the GED and a job, and I’ll find an apartment in New Haven to be near you. I know you couldn’t count on me before, but you can now, you can.” </p><p>He didn’t realize that just a few tears had spilled over as he tried to make his case, but neither did she. </p><p>She still averted her eyes from his face, but this time because she was sure that if she saw that crazy hair and those muddy brown soulful eyes she’d fold like a paper card. </p><p>It was the most she’d ever heard him speak about his feelings. He was so reserved sometimes, but he was making an effort. She could sense the strain it was taking for his instincts not to kick in and for him not to bail. He’d never been good with expressing things; he was so used to bottling it up, but he was letting it all out for her. That meant something, but it wasn’t everything. </p><p>“Jess, I appreciate you talking to me. I know it’s not easy, but… those are words, Jess. How can I be sure that you won’t run again?” She said this with pure anguish in her words, squeezing her eyes shut as moisture brimmed to the surface.</p><p>“You can’t be sure, and I know this sounds so damn hypocritical after everything, but I’m just asking you to try and trust me again. You said that you may have loved me, but for me there’s no question in it. I love you, I’m pretty sure you had me by every string of my heart and soul since you called me ‘Dodger’, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize it. I’ll do better now, Rory. Please, can we just… talk again? I’m not asking for us to jump back right back into it. I just don’t want to lose you, Rory. I love you.”</p><p>Her head snapped up as he said those words, words she thought he wouldn’t be capable saying for a very long time, and drank him in for the first time. His hair was disheveled from his hands constantly running through it: a nervous habit she’d picked up on quickly. His eyes were red-rimmed and saturated with pain and love both, anguish and affection. There were tracks of tears down his cheeks. In all her days, she’d never seen him like this except for the frenzy he’d been in during the car crash. </p><p>She surged forward, pulling him into her warm arms, hugging him close to her as she dissolved into a mess of tears and sobs. She felt him pull her closer, wrap his always warm hands around her, to play with the ends of her hair like he always loved to do. It only made her sob harder, muffling her cries into his shoulder. He smelled like he always did, old books and aftershave and the faint smell of cigarette smoke. It belonged exclusively to Jess.</p><p>Unbeknownst to her, her let himself go too, tears slipping down his cheeks as he hugged her even closer. </p><p>She pulled away first like she always does, but stayed close to him.</p><p>“I can’t say it back. I need to know I can trust you. But… I do too, for the record,” she finally said softly, sad periwinkle eyes boring into his. She nodded almost imperceptibly. “We can’t just jump right into it like before, and I need a plan from now on. You don’t hide things from me, and we have no secrets. We’re going to take it slowly, and you have to regain my trust. You’re going to be open about your feelings. If you can’t at least try harder, it’s over.”</p><p>He nodded frantically, a small cry escaping his mouth as relief, love, joy, every emotion overtook him. “Anything. I’ll do it. You’re worth it.”</p><p>Finally, she smiled at him, small and kind of sad, but it meant everything to them now. They’d move slower than they had before, one step at a time. She had her Jess back. “I missed you.”</p><p>“Not more than I missed you,” he denied, stepping closer tentatively to skim his fingers along the the curve of her baby face. She let herself lean into it. Before, Jess always used to be impossibly good at the physical aspect, but his kisses and touches were always so frantic, passionate, like any one of them could be the last, like he was saying goodbye. But now, he was taking his time, like they had forever.</p><p>He didn’t expect her to move closer, content with just getting to touch her soft skin, to watch her blue eyes grow dreamy and flutter closed from his touch. They always had that effect on each other, to render the other speechless in the best way.</p><p> After a moment, she leaned in, brushed her lips against his, curling her hands into his hair. It wasn’t lustful or passionate this time. It was sweet, tender, and she could feel something unfolding in front of her eyes. For a moment, she dared to hope about what the future could hold.</p><p>The moment ended, and she was just as content in the present with Jess’ hands skimming her jaw line and carding through her hair, kissing her slowly and languidly. He murmured ‘I love you’ against her lips like the warmest, most radiant prayer. </p><p>Lorelai drove by as the ten minutes was more than over, not that surprised to find the two making with the cute on her lawn. It killed her to say it, but Rory had been so happy when she and Jess were together. Her baby girl had been ready to lose her virginity to this boy that she’d been with for just over a half year and not the guy she’d been with two years, even if she was only just turning eighteen when their relationship had ceased. </p><p>She paged Rory, something the girl would only see a few minutes later after she’d said goodbye to leave for the party. She’d offered him an invitation, but he’d declined, telling her to enjoy and that they’d hang out tomorrow at eleven at Luke’s. She smiled at the gesture: a time, and a place, and a plan.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>Of course that little hoodlum got you back. You always did like him too much. I’ll tell Sookie you’ll be a few minutes late. Love you, babe.</i>
  </b>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>Love you too, mom. I’m on my way. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>You’re happy?</b>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>More than I’ve ever been.</i>
</p>
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